[UPDATE: I've received an offer. I've made a counter offer, and the deal is imminent - should celebrate by the end of the week and start on cleaning the gararge Saturday. Very blessed that in this time of 20% construction unemployment, I basically got a 6 week vacation. Very blessed that I can absorb 30% salary reduction, and not miss a meal. Might miss a meal or two outside the house, but if thats all I can complain about....I probably still will, but it's not much. Thanks for prayers and support.]
Again, I'm ripping off Lore Sjoberg's stuff. Last time it was pics (hey, it looks kinda like me). This time I'm ripping off an entire web series from his old Brunching Shuttlecocks site, and a book. Thats right, blatant plagiarism from an actual book.
So here's the premise. You take something, (something like Batman Villains) and you assign grades to aspects of said thing. Just read it and you'll get the idea. And after you read mine, go HERE to read the funny stuff I ripped off.
My employer and I "agreed to part ways" just before Christmas. So I've been doing the whole job search in a bad market thing since.
ASPECTS OF A JOB SEARCH
The Resume
"Experts" will tell you to keep your "introductory" resume to one page, then spring the unabridged version on the unsuspecting employer at the interview, thus impressing them at your skill of...writing stuff about yourself, and practically forcing them to offer you a job on the spot. Here's the problem. I can trim it down to one page with out hesitation. But when I show up with the "Full" resume, and it's a page an a quarter, will that do the trick? Never mind the other aspects-like of deciding what crosses the line from simply stating fact to arrogant bragging? You shouldn't lie, but you don't want to tell the truth either. While, "Left company A because it was run by a group of Howler Monkeys" might technically be true, "Career advancement opportunity" sounds better right?
Grade: C
Cover Letters
Cover letters give me fits. "Experts" say to include a cover letter, even when emailing the resume. So that means I have to have two attachments to the email, which seems weird and redundant. Next, I have to write two cover letters. One is the Official Cover Letter that gets attached to the email, along with the resume, and the other is the email message introducing myself - just like the cover letter, except, not. My question is, do HR people read it anyway? I'm guessing no, but that's because deep down I secretly hope that most people are as lazy as me. I think the next emailed resume will have no cover, and this as the body of the email:
Dear Human Resources Person,
My name is Mr. Lim Chee Wee, a legal practitioner with Lim Chee & Co in
Unit No.
50-8-1 8th Floor, Wisma UOA Damansara Kuala Lumpur Malaysia .
I saw your contact and profile and decided that you could cooperate with
me in thisproposition.
I have a client by Name Mr. Lane McKibben, who was fired in December. He has a large sum of cash in a bank here in Kuala Lumpur , Malaysia that he can only access once he is employed. I am contacting you because you seem to be representing a company that would be perfect for my client and I felt that you could help me in the distribution of funding that were left in my client's bank account.....
Anyway. Grade D-
The Interview
Or as I like to call it "showtime". Sometimes they go well, sometimes...not so much. I've had recent experience with interviews where the interviewer gave speeches that lasted for up to 10 minutes describing the awesomeness of his company. Then at the end of the monologue asks "do you think you could do that?" to which I answer "uhmm, yeah. I've had some exp..". At that point he would cut me off and begin with another speech. So it went well, insomuch as I didn't say anything embarrassing. The down side is I didn't say anything. Which might be OK, because I have left interviews thinking "did i just tell them I knew the dairy industry like the back of my hand? why would I say that, and why did I suggest I could tidy up the place a bit every night? Why did I say it all in a fake German mad-scientist accent?" However, I am going to get hired somewhere, and then schedule a few more interviews where I can go in and see how much I can shock/confuse them:
GRADE: B+
CAREER EXPERTS
This is a gig I must have. If I can get enough people to listen to me on how to get a job, I'll never have to work again. Send out emails, or blog little common sense tips (like: "Don't mention it if you were acquitted" or "shower and comb your hair for a better first impression")and somehow that translates into cash. Not sure how, but apparently it's working for a bunch of people.
GRADE: D
THE REASON YOU ARE DOING THE JOB SEARCH IN THE FIRST PLACE
Just for future reference, I much rather you tell me the hard honest truth than insult my intelligence. If what my bosses said the day they fired me is true, then what they told me 4 week earlier was a lie. Because it can't be both. The worst part is having to explain it to potential employers. Anyway, I dare say that not too many job searches start with good news.
Grade: F
FAMILY SUPPORT
So far, the best thing about the last 6 weeks has been being at home with everyone through-out the holidays. They seem to like me no matter what I make. That helps tons. The best line so far has been from Em. We weren't going to mention anything to the kids about unemployment, just say that Dad was taking time off. Mostly this was to keep Asher from worrying. But they put 2 and 2 together pretty quick. I sat them down and said "RQ and I have decided that it would be better for both of us if I didn't work there anymore". Em, who had a knack for cutting right to the heart of the matter, got a confused look on her face. Just as I was thinking "oh no, here it comes...", she asked "how is that better for RQ?". Exactly honey, exactly.
GRADE A+
FRIENDS WHO ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN 2 MONTHS TO LIVE
I'm fine. Really, I'm fine. V's fine. Really, she is. I'm not defined by my career. There is something out there, and while it might take a while to find, and might not be pleasant, it's all going to be fine. And thankfully, I'm at a place in my life where I know that to be true, it's not wishful thinking or a pep talk. I'd rather not be doing this for sure, but it's good. Now, I will let you buy me lunch, if it makes you feel better....
Grade B (for good intentions)
TELEVISION
Makes you long for the days when you had to wake up, shower, put on khakis, and go to meetings.
GRADE: D
THE WHOLE "I'LL JUST DO CONSULTING" THING
I have a family full of people who work for themselves. I admire that. And I started this process convinced I was next. No way am I going through this again, I told myself. Then reality sets in. I'm a people person at heart. I love working with teams and thrive when I can feed off the energy of others. (its true, cause its on my resume). The other side of that coin is I need the energy and accountability of others to get me up in the mornings. I'm not saying I'm lazy and unmotivated, but we've just told the kids that it's traditional in California to leave the Christmas Tree up until Valentines Day. The week before my first day on the new job will be the busiest of my life just doing all the things I promised V I'd do when I started this.
Grade: C
My name is Mr. Lim Chee Wee, a legal practitioner with Lim Chee & Co in
Unit No.
50-8-1 8th Floor, Wisma UOA Damansara Kuala Lumpur Malaysia .
I saw your contact and profile and decided that you could cooperate with
me in thisproposition.
I have a client by Name Mr. Lane McKibben, who was fired in December. He has a large sum of cash in a bank here in Kuala Lumpur , Malaysia that he can only access once he is employed. I am contacting you because you seem to be representing a company that would be perfect for my client and I felt that you could help me in the distribution of funding that were left in my client's bank account.....
Anyway. Grade D-
The Interview
Or as I like to call it "showtime". Sometimes they go well, sometimes...not so much. I've had recent experience with interviews where the interviewer gave speeches that lasted for up to 10 minutes describing the awesomeness of his company. Then at the end of the monologue asks "do you think you could do that?" to which I answer "uhmm, yeah. I've had some exp..". At that point he would cut me off and begin with another speech. So it went well, insomuch as I didn't say anything embarrassing. The down side is I didn't say anything. Which might be OK, because I have left interviews thinking "did i just tell them I knew the dairy industry like the back of my hand? why would I say that, and why did I suggest I could tidy up the place a bit every night? Why did I say it all in a fake German mad-scientist accent?" However, I am going to get hired somewhere, and then schedule a few more interviews where I can go in and see how much I can shock/confuse them:
HR: So, Lane, tell us about yourself.
ME: Well, I can fly, walk thru walls and entertain mixed company with subtle card tricks.
HR: Tell us about your leadership experience.
ME: Well, back in the 80's I disarmed a small african army using only slight of hand and brief nudity...so, I'm an outside-the-box, paradigm-synergizing kind of guy. Also, President Nixon appointed me to a Counsel to solve the homeless problem. Within 5 minutes of joining, I solved the problem and the committee disbanded in confusion.
HR: do you have any questions for us?
ME: Oh yes, you mentioned your bond rate, but could you describe your left arm for me?
ME: Well, I can fly, walk thru walls and entertain mixed company with subtle card tricks.
HR: Tell us about your leadership experience.
ME: Well, back in the 80's I disarmed a small african army using only slight of hand and brief nudity...so, I'm an outside-the-box, paradigm-synergizing kind of guy. Also, President Nixon appointed me to a Counsel to solve the homeless problem. Within 5 minutes of joining, I solved the problem and the committee disbanded in confusion.
HR: do you have any questions for us?
ME: Oh yes, you mentioned your bond rate, but could you describe your left arm for me?
GRADE: B+
CAREER EXPERTS
This is a gig I must have. If I can get enough people to listen to me on how to get a job, I'll never have to work again. Send out emails, or blog little common sense tips (like: "Don't mention it if you were acquitted" or "shower and comb your hair for a better first impression")and somehow that translates into cash. Not sure how, but apparently it's working for a bunch of people.
GRADE: D
THE REASON YOU ARE DOING THE JOB SEARCH IN THE FIRST PLACE
Just for future reference, I much rather you tell me the hard honest truth than insult my intelligence. If what my bosses said the day they fired me is true, then what they told me 4 week earlier was a lie. Because it can't be both. The worst part is having to explain it to potential employers. Anyway, I dare say that not too many job searches start with good news.
Grade: F
FAMILY SUPPORT
So far, the best thing about the last 6 weeks has been being at home with everyone through-out the holidays. They seem to like me no matter what I make. That helps tons. The best line so far has been from Em. We weren't going to mention anything to the kids about unemployment, just say that Dad was taking time off. Mostly this was to keep Asher from worrying. But they put 2 and 2 together pretty quick. I sat them down and said "RQ and I have decided that it would be better for both of us if I didn't work there anymore". Em, who had a knack for cutting right to the heart of the matter, got a confused look on her face. Just as I was thinking "oh no, here it comes...", she asked "how is that better for RQ?". Exactly honey, exactly.
GRADE A+
FRIENDS WHO ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN 2 MONTHS TO LIVE
I'm fine. Really, I'm fine. V's fine. Really, she is. I'm not defined by my career. There is something out there, and while it might take a while to find, and might not be pleasant, it's all going to be fine. And thankfully, I'm at a place in my life where I know that to be true, it's not wishful thinking or a pep talk. I'd rather not be doing this for sure, but it's good. Now, I will let you buy me lunch, if it makes you feel better....
Grade B (for good intentions)
TELEVISION
Makes you long for the days when you had to wake up, shower, put on khakis, and go to meetings.
GRADE: D
THE WHOLE "I'LL JUST DO CONSULTING" THING
I have a family full of people who work for themselves. I admire that. And I started this process convinced I was next. No way am I going through this again, I told myself. Then reality sets in. I'm a people person at heart. I love working with teams and thrive when I can feed off the energy of others. (its true, cause its on my resume). The other side of that coin is I need the energy and accountability of others to get me up in the mornings. I'm not saying I'm lazy and unmotivated, but we've just told the kids that it's traditional in California to leave the Christmas Tree up until Valentines Day. The week before my first day on the new job will be the busiest of my life just doing all the things I promised V I'd do when I started this.
Grade: C
