We Are McKibben: February 2010

Maybe it had to do with loosing my job in December, or I'm going through a time of introspection, maybe it was both. But for a while I felt as if I was stumbling along in the dark, like trying to find the bathroom at 2AM in a strange house. It's not that I was loosing my Faith. If anything my faith was stronger. Rather it was me straining to hear God, searching out through the sea of voices trying to get my attention to hear the unquestioned Voice, the Voice of Hope, the Voice that would tell me everything is alright. But I couldn't hear Him. And If I did, I was certain I wouldn't know what He was saying.

Some people claim to know His voice. He speaks to them. I don't get that. I don't resent that necessarily - none of us communicate the same way to our children, we meet each individual child where they are - I just sometimes wish for the moments like Isaiah records in Chapter 6 of his book. I sometime feel as one who is visiting a foreign country for the first time, and wants to learn some phrases to better communicate with the locals. After several lessons he embarks on his trip, goes through customs, gets in a cab and asks the cab driver the well rehearsed lines "would you please take me to the Hilton", and the cab driver begins to respond with a speed and accent that wasn't covered in the Rosetta Stone CD. He smiles, responds by repeating the rehearsed line again and wonders in his head "what do I do now?". So, during times like I've been trough recently, I wish that I had studied harder, learned to be fluent in the language of the Holy Spirit, and resolve to study more, to try harder to do...something. I take great solace in the the Beatitudes. "Blessed are the poor in spirit", that's me. I struggle, I doubt, I reevaluate my faith all the time, I wrestle, I question; and through it all Grace still captures my conscience. There are those that have that feeling, when God is right there, thisclose, and they can just feel His loving arms around them, and they can literally hear His voice, whispering in their ear, telling you how much He loves them. That aint me. Sorry. Yet as Luther said, "My consciousness is held captive to the Word of God." In the middle of the struggle, I believe.

So, it was right in the middle of feeling my way through the darkened hallway of unemployment, and who knows what else, that I was in my latest struggle. Wanting to hear God - all the while knowing that God's purpose would be fulfilled. I had already accepted a position with a company, still not hearing anything per se, but trusting none-the-less. I mean, no shaft of light fell from the heavens onto the offices as I drove up to my interview or anything. But it felt right, and in this economy, well, it was an offer that most in the industry would take, so I took it. I just trusted (and continue to do so, after 2 weeks on the job..), that it was the right thing to do. Then, a couple of weeks ago, something funny happened. We had put the kids to bed one night, and Vanessa had stayed in their room to snuggle with Asher a bit. I came downstairs, checked mail, flipped through channels for a while and noticed that Vanessa hadn't returned. I went upstairs to check on her, and found that her and Asher were having a deep discussion on his bed. I stuck my head in to tell them both that it was night-night time and I'd ground them if they didn't get to sleep right now (I am Dad after all..). Asher is a great kid. Innocent, yet wise in someways beyond his years. He's a thinker, an analyzer. I found that the topic of discussion on the bed was concerning Asher's faith. Specifically, he'd been having doubts. He had told Vanessa, and then re-told me, that he had been praying that God would speak to him, let him know that he was real. He wanted a sign, an Angel, to hear a voice...something, anything. He said that he knew God was real, but he really wanted to know, ya know? Then, he looked at me and asked "Dad, how can I hear Him?". What I wanted to say was "You've asked the wrong Bible school dropout son. I can't hear Him either, let's just tough it out together". But what I said, as it turned out, was far better. What I told him in a voice just above a whisper as not to wake his sister, was the story of how I met his Mother. How, for some reason I had this..feeling...this...urge if you will, to pray for a coworker of a friend. And how I felt this impression that she needed me. And how for some odd reason I felt this way everyday for the better part of two weeks, even though I didn't know her name. And the friend told me a couple of weeks later that her friend accepted Jesus, and how excited I was that she had, and how excited I was to learn her name - Vanessa. Tears welled up in both our eyes as I continued to tell him stories of God leading me, the family, us, through hard times, through good times and His faithful way of always providing what we need- and blessing us beyond measure. I told him the story of Elijah and the Still Small Voice, and that we seek to hear form God in all sorts of ways. But sometimes, God uses a father's story and a son's question to answer both their prayers at once.

And there it is. My struggle and doubts and poor spirit are worth every minute of pain and uncertainty if through it God reveals himself to my children, friends, family and neighbors. And not all of us need voices, burning bushes, earthquakes or angels. I need impressions, hints, gut feelings, and a savior who leads me in spite of me; to home. How about you? Do you struggle with this or does faith come easy? I'd love your comments one way or the other.

I've always appreciated the words of the father of the sick child in Mark 9: 24 - "Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief". That was the final bit of advice to Asher that night, say that to Him - "God, I trust in you, please fill in the gaps". I also like the prayer of Luther below. It helps verbalize in a simplistic way what I feel most times.

Behold, Lord, an empty vessel that needs to be filled. My Lord, fill it.
I am weak in the faith; strengthen me.
I am cold in love; warm me and make me fervent, that my love may go out to my neighbor.
I do not have a strong and firm faith; at times I doubt and am unable to trust you altogether. O Lord, help me. Strengthen my faith and trust in you.
In you I have sealed the treasure of all I have.
I am poor; you are rich and came to be merciful to the poor.
I am a sinner; you are upright.
With me, there is an abundance of sin; in you is the fullness of righteousness.
Therefore I will remain with you, of whom I can receive, but to whom I may not give.
Amen.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Faith, Doubt, Rosetta Stones and The Still Small voice

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Greatest Story on the Mississippi State Campus?

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